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Understanding our self-memory systems and what guides them is crucial to the process of self-improvement. Our Self-Memory System is the conceptual framework that calls attention to the interconnectedness of the self and memory (Conway, 2005). The self (also called the working self) is considered to be a complex set of active goals and related self-images; where memory is the database of the self (Conway, 2005). This system is what gives us the ability to draw from our past experiences in order to react to what is happening in the present moment and prepare for what is to come. An important aspect of the Self-Memory System is autobiographical memory, which plays a crucial role in shaping self-identity, emotions, and the overall experience of being a human being in a specific culture over a period of time (Conway & Pleydell-Pearce, 2000). Autobiographical memory functions in providing us with our sense of self-identity and belonging to the environment around us. It is important to learn how the Self-Memory System works in order to understand how habits of reminiscence can either trap us or motivate us and how to break bad habits of thinking. The idea is to create a habit of reminiscence that can project into a healthier future goal by controlling what we think about in the past. We want to be able to have a concept of ourselves that is both grounded in reality and has ideal aspects to it, drawing appropriately from our past experiences to control our present narrative.

Martin Conway and Catherine Loveday (2015) present a two-dimensional space where memory accuracy falls under, including coherence and correspondence. Correspondence refers to a memory being true to the event, meaning it corresponds maximally to a previously experienced event, and coherence refers to a memory that is true to the self, or that is coherent with memory representations and self-beliefs (Conway & Loveday, 2015). Since we do not always have the ability to achieve high coherence and high correspondence, aiming for high coherence and low correspondence is desirable and is what gives us our ability to control certain aspects of our narratives while leaving others out. Having a narrative is what gives each of us our identity, and sometimes there are parts to our narrative that don’t necessarily reflect our goals for what we want our stories to be in the future. Being in touch with events that are true to the self will allow us to take out the pieces of the past that do not align with our goals for our future narratives. In middle-age, individuals have a plethora of past experiences to draw from and when pulling from these memories it is important to draw from the ones that are true to the self.

As the goals we have for ourselves change over our lifetime, we leave behind clusters of highly accessible memories that were once goal-driven (Conway & Holmes, 2004). These goals may no longer be relevant to our goals in the present, but they lead to self-defining memories that ground us in our past goal configurations and gives us a personal and psychological history of the changes that have been made to the self (Conway & Holmes, 2004). These highly accessible autobiographical memories, as described by Conway and Holmes (2004), will be ones that had high self-relevance both at the times they were encoded and at the times they were retrieved. The authors examined which autobiographical memories were relevant at different stages in life and found that during middle age, the dominant memories included those related to generativity and stagnation. Erikson (1997) found that these experiences that were recalled in the fourth, fifth, and sixth decades of life focused on children, career changes, and distinct impressions of care or concern for what adults had produced at this time in their lives. Our identities change over time as our goals and motivations fluctuate, and it is apparent that during middle age humans often lose sight of the importance of their self-identity while focusing more on what they are doing for others and their surroundings.

The Self-Memory System can operate to keep our psychological needs as human beings healthy. These needs are part of the Self-Determination Theory which includes the idea that humans are happier and healthier when we are in control. I’m sure in the last year there have been too many instances where you felt an immense amount of uncertainty. Maybe it is not knowing how you will provide for your family because you have lost your job. Maybe it is figuring out how and when you are supposed to teach your child their at-home curriculum since you are now the one in charge. Maybe it is continually hoping that the case numbers will go down enough so that you may visit your loved ones again. Maybe it is simply missing out on social interaction and feeling extremely lonely. It’s pretty safe to say that we have not had much control in our lives as of lately. The three basic needs, as discovered by the Self-Determination Theory, that create optimal living are competence, autonomy, and relatedness (Deci & Ryan, 2000). As humans, it is crucial for us to feel like we belong to a community, like we are capable of doing things on our own, like we are in charge. Although the Self-Memory System can keep these needs healthy, it can also operate to keep our sense of belonging at a rather unhealthy level which happens when the culture we are in allows us or causes us to form unhealthy thoughts or behaviors (Kleinknecht, 2021).

It is important to understand what the driving forces of each individual’s Self-Memory System are and utilize effective ways to shape habits and behaviors that will optimize overall well-being. As humans, we are constantly seeking ways to adapt and survive within our environment, and our natural state is one of curiosity, explanation, and self-control in order to successfully do so (Kleinknecht, 2021). Motivation, one of the forces that guide the Self-Memory System, can be influenced by our internal and external processes, known as intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Deci and Ryan, the creators of the Self-Determination Theory, differentiate between what they call autonomous and controlled motivation, autonomous motivation consisting of intrinsic motivation and well-internalized extrinsic motivation; whereas, controlled motivation comprises external and introjected regulation (Deci & Ryan, 2008).

Findings show that autonomous motivation has a variety of advantages in terms of effective performance which include heuristic tasks, psychological well-being, and healthy development, as well as being evident while people feel the satisfaction with the basic psychological needs of competence, autonomy, and relatedness (Deci & Ryan, 2008). There is controlled motivation, where we are doing what needs to be done not out of personal interest but because we feel like we have to or we are being driven by external stimuli to do so, and autonomous motivation, where we are doing the work out of pure joy, interest or passion. We want to be able to move on the motivation spectrum from controlled to autonomous motivation to allow ourselves to function at a more favorable level and enhance the quality of our everyday life.

Throughout life, we have to give up so much of what we love in order to make a living. We turn on survival mode, and we do what we can to adapt to our everyday environment to ensure that we are paying the bills, providing for family members, and moving up in our careers, oftentimes causing us as humans to lose sight of our goals that were once so important to us. Even though taking care of people and bills may seem like our purpose, there is so much trapped inside of each of us waiting to be set free and take on anything, and we must attend to the needs of competence, relatedness, and autonomy. It can be so easy to lose sight of these needs when taking care of others as most middle-aged individuals do, and it can be especially difficult to feel a sense of autonomy when it feels like your life is revolving around everything else except for you.  At every stage in life, especially during middle age, it is crucial to make sure that we are feeding that beast inside of us with the desires it needs in order not just to survive in an environment, but to thrive and continue to live the life we have always imagined for ourselves.

Goals and motivational forces are what guide our Self-Memory Systems, and they constantly challenge our ability to adapt to our surroundings and make the appropriate decisions for ourselves throughout each stage of our lives. At the point in time when you reach middle age, there have been so many past experiences that have shaped individuals’ decisions, identities, and overall the paths that your lives have taken. So much of the focus on “being yourself” and “finding yourself” today is targeted at such a young age group, and although this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, finding out who we are takes much more time than we think. At age forty we could be someone completely different than who we were at age sixteen, and there needs to be some sort of direction for people like you, adults who are navigating your way through changes and stress all while continually trying to keep in touch with your goals and what motivates you.

Conway and Loveday (2015) explain the remembering imagining system (RIS) as the idea of being able to access memories both in the past and the anticipated future in a certain window of time before they become too distant and less accessible. According to Conway and Loveday (2015), the remembering imagining system is comparable to a fish-eye lens. Items in the center are clear and distinct, but as you continue to move away from the center things become less focused and less defined. The RIS itself is that window that includes the clear current moment and begins to be less distinct the further away from the present moment that it is, past or future. Our remembering imagining systems need coherence to power motivations. Remembering certain aspects of the past is what shapes our goals for the future, and the words that we use to guide this reflection can cue feelings of autonomy or feelings of externalization. Coupling our knowledge of the Self-Memory System and the power of our words is the next step we will take in understanding how to do better by ourselves.